The Power of Forgiveness

Want Peace? Try Forgiveness

By: Sharon McElroy, Blogger

“The magic didn’t happen to him. The magic happened to me.”

Amazingly, these were the words of abuse-victim Ben Bosinger after letting go of years of resentment toward his father.

So what happened?

One day, fed up with pain he’d been carrying around for so long, he paid a visit to his dad. The “magic” occurred while they were looking at Ben’s motorcycle in the driveway.

“In that instant, when we both were bent down looking at that greasy engine, side by side, I forgave him,” he recalled.

He added: “It was something bigger than me that made me forgive him.”

This really resonated with me, based on what I know from a book key to my own spiritual practice -- that “the divine energy of Spirit” helps us progress and see things anew.  

Ben’s story is from a different book -- it’s just one of the many moving stories in the Book of Forgiving, recently published by Archbishop Desmond Tutu and daughter Mpho Tutu. They’re certainly qualified to discuss the subject. Besides experiencing the everyday hurts of the injustice of apartheid, they also had other struggles. He suffered from an abusive father, and she and her family experienced the devastating murder of their beloved nanny.

In humility the Tutus disclose how they have to continually learn about forgiveness, sometimes in dramatic ways. But they also make it clear that when we’ve been wronged we can use these opportunities to transform ourselves by changing how we think about others.

“No one is bad, and none among us should be defined as the sum total of our worst actions,” they said.

This is another idea I’m familiar with from my own spiritual practice, but I didn’t find it easy to carry out during a recent experience. 

I’d just sat down in a cafe next to two young guys. At first, I didn’t mind hearing their pleasant conversation, but out of the blue they started talking about women in a derogatory way. I couldn’t believe it. I thought, “How can these American, hipster guys feel it’s ok to even think like this, let alone voice it so publicly?”

I was angry about the injustice of their ideas, and three things went through my head. First, I considered saying something. Then I realized confrontation probably wouldn’t make things any better. Finally, I wondered if I could actually love and forgive them.

Led by this deeper desire, I leaned back in my chair, and a few lines from a friend’s song came to mind: “Where there is hatred, let me sew love. Where there is injury, pardon.”

This helped me quiet the reactive feelings of self-justification and get on with more solution oriented thinking. As the Tutus said, I knew I needed to see these weren’t bad people, but they’d been taken in by bad ideas. From my own practice, I knew there was a deeper, wiser point of view of who they were -- so much more to what really defines each of us than our worst actions.

“Material sense does not unfold the facts of existence; but spiritual sense lifts human consciousness into eternal Truth,” wrote Mary Baker Eddy, my favorite author on how best to connect with that “something bigger than me”.

As I yearned for this even deeper view, and contemplated the divine source of that presence of good in each of us, I felt a kind of mental and emotional shift. My anger and feelings of injustice drained and I suddenly thought: “Their sense of God must be very small, if that’s how they’re thinking.”

My heart went out to them. It occurred to me these guys had probably just been taught a different worldview than mine.

In the larger scheme of things, this was a modest spiritual awakening. But the revised view gave me a palpable sense of peace, which had seemed impossible just minutes earlier.

In their book, the Tutus refer to Dr. Fred Luskin, the Director of the Stanford Forgiveness Projects, who has seen the effects of forgiveness on health. In an interview, Luskin said: “There are billions of people telling themselves that somebody was a real [jerk] all day long. That’s really easy for human beings to do. That’s swimming with the stream. To create peace, you need to swim against the stream sometimes, in fact, often.”

Indeed, it can be hard to “swim against the stream” of our reactions to injustice. But heading down the path of forgiveness can be as simple as knowing we each have this spiritual sense that can identify the good that’s present even where it seems far from obvious.

As we do that, we shouldn’t be surprised if we have our own Ben Bosinger moment and feel the joy of freedom that can overtake us when forgiveness takes root in our lives.

Sharon McElroy writes about health and spirituality. She practices Christian Science healing, and works in media relations. 

HoneyBees: An Experience Worth Sharing

Sitting with Gratitude
Written by Sarika Jain, AVP, Strategy and Innovation

Last night we had a beautiful Awakin sit here in Manhattan, where we shared our reflections on our daily life and on the heart-opening passage, ‘Micro Moments of Love’. Through each sit I attend, my heart fills with gratitude for the group wisdom, the buddha, that emerges through powerful reflections from the heart. This latest jewel of collective wisdom of the sangha is what I wish to share with the community today.

Bah, as described to the group, is a Japanese word that describes the energy that exists in the physical and energetic space between two people vibrating at a high frequency. It is the magical electric current of love that comes alive between two people as they share a joyful, love-filled connection. What is it, and how does it manifest in everyday life?

Self-love and self-acceptance seem to form the basis of being able to fill our hearts with the ability to share love-connections with others. As we process our positive feelings, or even difficult human emotions of anxiety, anger, stress, confusion, amongst others, are we able to observe them mindfully, to accept them as part of who we are? To empathize with and have compassion for the different parts of us, and to surrender and accept what is, helps create a sense of peace and equanimity, a sense of contentment; a place from where the heart can start flowing, like sap oozing from a tree. When we love ourselves, and engage in contemplative practices such as sending gratitude to different parts of our body, we begin to take better care of ourselves – eating better, working out, taking care of our spiritual body through meditation and yoga, amongst other examples. We begin to cherish our unique gifts and want to share these with the world, no matter what we perceive the return is, as our hearts begin to sing with love and joy.

Compassionate listening is another form of sharing love with someone - it generates the possibility of creating deeper connections and a transformation in our thinking. As we begin to lovingly listen to others, even in moments of stress and agitation, taking a few deep breaths and mindfully observing our feelings and emotions, we begin to have greater awareness for ourselves and others. We fill the space in between us with a loving, patient energy as we listen; creating a soft cushion for healing and transformation. Acceptance and forgiveness become easier to practice in this state of listening.

Loving speech, the other side of the coin of compassionate listening, leads to a deeper connection between people, and can be seen as gifts or jewels which has the effect of transforming a difficult situation, bringing love, joy and a sense of communion and understanding.

We have the opportunity to share physical love with a total stranger, even if they seem foreign or potentially threatening to us. A friend shared how her friend was sittng in a packed subway car, and a daunting person came asking for money from each passenger. This person came and squeezed himself into a tiny space right next to the friend, and put out his hand, demanding money. Instead of recoiling in frustration or fear, she took a brave step – she held his hand, looked him straight in the eyes, and with firmness and kindness, said, “I love you”.  He was shocked, and yet, he melted with love and joy, as did the others around them.

When we are feeling lonely and disconnected, no matter where we are in the world, the quickest fix is to share joyful, love-filled moments, even with total strangers. In the train, airport, grocery store, office – each moment is ripe with opportunity to make a connection with another person. Acts of kindness, sharing a gift with a new friend, or even a joke – each brief exchange of love makes each part of the day more special, exciting and meaningful.

Perhaps another form of love is that which transcends human love – it is the deep-found respect for all beings, an understanding of the sacredness in even the tiniest form of life. A friend shared how he mindfully observed two large bees that were stuck in an AC vent in his apartment - they were buzzing around, making many attempts of finding an exit for their survival. He patiently waited for over twenty minutes to help the bees out, despite his own slight fear of bees. They finally made it out with his help, and he had a private moment of rejoicing their flight to freedom.

As I sat in the room, a thought came to me - we are each honeybees, being fed and loved in these beautiful, sacred spaces such as yesterday’s sit - these hives of sweet nectar and nourishment. It is our job to go out into the world, pollinating each person, each being, with love, compassion, joy and kindness – sharing one micro-moment of love, at a time. When we share these micro-moments of love, we are making our own lives richer, longer, healthier and happier - and do the same for others, creating ripples of bah wherever we go :)

Getting To Happy

By Shirley Moulton - Founder, The ACADEMi of Life, NYC

I believe that people should be happy, and have the right to be happy. Happiness is an essential ingredient to our success.

A recent Harvard study http://bit.ly/pxylJk concluded that happiness is the single greatest competitive advantage in the 21st century. They suggest that if you are happy first success will follow. In other words, success does not make you happy but happiness makes you successful.

But do we really know what makes us happy?

Many of us spend most of our lives developing and valuing our first class education, our high powered career and our ability to collect material things. As a society this has become how we measure and define success. But do these achievements really make us happy? Everyone knows people who are brilliant yet unhappy or financially successful and unhappy. I know from my own life that a first class education, owning my own business and acquiring lots of material things did not bring me the fulfillment and joy that I thought they would.

The same Harvard study estimated that having a good education and great technical skills contribute only 25% of our success at work and in life. To be successful in work and life, there are other character traits that we must possess. So what are these traits? They include optimism, emotional resilience, empathy, the ability to make social connections and viewing stress as a challenge instead of as a threat. The study calls these traits the “silent 75%.” The “silent 75%.” are generally viewed as ‘soft skills’ and their long term importance to our happiness is routinely undervalued.

The study, however, concludes that long-term success at work and in life “is based upon our ability to positively adapt to the world”; to be happy, joyful and optimistic, since we are more likely to achieve our full potential when we are feeling positive. As a culture we need to focus on these ‘soft skills’- the silent 75% – and all of us should seek to build and strengthen these traits within us in order to be more joyful human beings. To be truly happy and therefore successful requires the right balance between our rational and emotional skills.

Despite achieving in my education and career I had a realization that I simply wasn’t as happy as I wanted to be. My joy was limited despite the material abundance around me and my successes didn’t fulfill me the way I had expected. I began to make a very conscious effort to focus on doing things that fed my spirit. I decided to focus on the things that brought me more happiness and joy – like making sure I have dinner with a friend at least once a week, connecting daily with family members by phone or in person and doing work that is meaningful and engaging.

I believe that happiness is found deep within, that it comes from our soul and not from external things. So take a peek inside and find your joy. The journey of self-discovery can be very personal and private and each person has to determine what truly makes them happy. But take comfort in knowing that this is important and essential work to ‘get to happy.’

Below are eleven happiness boosters outlined by Shawn Achor, the author of The Happiness Advantage. Try them out and see how you feel:

1. Smile
2. Open doors
3. Offer a seat at your table in a busy cafe
4. Make eye contact
5. Start a conversation with someone who looks lonely
6. Listen
7. Have deep meaningful conversations
8. Give money to beggars without conditions attached
9. Try and put a positive spin on a bad situation
10. Meditate so you are calmer for your family
11. Volunteer for someone who really needs it

I know many of these have worked for me! Which of these work best for you?

Original post written for Joy Campaign August 2011.

WORLD MEDITATION DAY

Making the world a better place, one breath at a time
By Shirley Moulton - Founder, The ACADEMi of Life, NYC


Meditation is enjoying a renewed surge of popularity, penetrating the public consciousness as never before…it’s mainstream.
So what is meditation? “Meditation is a discipline that prepares one to engage in the world with greater accuracy, flexibility, and authenticity. It is not a quick fix but a discipline that, when cultivated, can provide ongoing and powerful support for the practice of a fulfilling life.”

Meditative practices are being taken up in corporate America (Google, Apple, AOL, Saatchi & Saatchi, Raytheon, Deutche Bank, Hughes Aircraft, Target, Cargill, Aetna, Genentech, General Mills) and is being declared as a 21st century management tool. McKinsey Managing Partner Michael Rennie, an avid meditator, who has studied the beneficial effects of meditation in corporations, heads the McKinsey’s Performance Leadership Program which uses meditation practices to release the desire for authenticity, dignity and real human connection within a critical mass of individuals in a given organization. Corporations are realizing that after arranging meditation classes for their staff, they have reduced stress levels, are less irritable, more focused, more productive, happier overall and have sharpened intuition.

Meditation is also being taught at YMCAs, hospitals (a foundation run by Donna Karan, donated $850,000 to NYC’s Beth Israel Medical Center to test whether meditation and yoga can enhance the traditional medical treatments for cancer), the military, in medicine to make doctors better, at Harvard Law School to help law students become better negotiators and in public schools to reduce the stress levels of students (the goal of the David Lynch Foundation, is to bring meditation to one million schoolchildren in the classroom).

When we meditate we create stillness. Stillness is where inspiration, creativity and solutions to problems are found. The more we practice meditation we are able to move beyond our active minds and emotions and discover great depths of lasting peace, contentment and serenity…the joy of being. From this place of joy we are able to create “fields of grace” allowing our interactions with others to be more loving, compassionate, authentic and fulfilling. With time, we become better people and the world becomes a better place.

So, to bring lasting peace and love to our world, we declare 11/11/11 World Meditation Day and at 11:11 am/pm on that day for 11 minutes, our goal is to have 1.1 million people meditating to either the Joy Of Being meditation http://bit.ly/lKjcm or any other meditation of your choosing. Eleven minutes of pure bliss. Let’s begin the practice today on 11/11/09 and start to build our meditation community and we will do it again on 11/11/10 until we get to our big day: 11/11/11.

Join our meditation community and movement on Facebook at http://bit.ly/67xaqB

Soul Musings

Nicholas Kristof’s opinion titled How to Recharge Your Soul, in the August 9th issue of the New York Times states “in the same way you recharge your BlackBerry from time to time, you should also recharge your soul – by spending part of August disconnected from the Web and reconnected with the universe.” Is Kristof saying that if you recharge your soul you will be reconnected to the universe? So, is the soul a direct connection to the universe?

This caught my attention because I had just seen the movie Cold Souls by Sophie Barthes in which souls were extracted and stored on Roosevelt Island. When one of the owners of a soul died, the soul disappeared. So is this what happens to the soul when we die? It disappears!

But where is this soul of ours anyway? Recent books by Jill Bolte, Ph.D. a brain scientist and Keith Black, MD a master brain surgeon and quotes by Descartes and Plato made me conclude that the soul is probably in the brain….funny thing, I always thought it was in the heart.

One final musing…can the soul of a man be damaged by his mother at age three, yet he becomes the richest man in the world? Warren Buffet’s recent biography details his suffering at the hands of his mother, her tirades were constant and “she never stopped until both children “just folded,” says Warren, weeping helplessly.” By the time he was three years old…”it couldn't be put back together”, he says, for him or his sister….
”The damage to their souls was done.” Wow, sounds like you can make a lot of money with a damaged soul…is this a perquisite for being successful on Wall Street?

I agree with Kristof, regardless of where it is, where it goes after death or how badly damaged it is ...recharge it anyway by connecting to the universe. Go take a walk!