COURAGE

WHAT BARBARA IS REALLY TEACHING US - BE BRAVE

By jackieacho, May 17, 2014

Barbara Walters is using her megaphone to tell us something important.  Can we hear her?  Is she breaking through our armor of modern culture and personal regret to pierce our hearts?  Does she fully realize how important it is and why now is the right time to say it, again, with feeling?!

“I was so busy with a career. It’s the age-old problem,” Walters, 84, said in an interview that will air on the upcoming ABC News special, “Barbara Walters: Her Story.” “And, you know, on your deathbed, are you going to say, ‘I wish I spent more time in the office?’ No. You’ll say, ‘I wish I spent more time with my family,’ and I do feel that way. I wish I had spent more time with my Jackie.”  – Laura Effron via Good Morning America

Her comments are making news now, but there is nothing really new here.  The age old problem is “Sophie’s choice“:  your career (=you) or your kid.  Neither are her comments a sudden revelation in this family.  There has been plenty of struggle for both Barbara and Jackie, especially during the teenage years.

Barbara Walters has had an incredible career spanning ~56 years.  Her story as a mother reads like so many powerful women who leaned in.  Several miscarriages.  Finally got her baby (adopted in this case).  No maternity leave.  Lots of outsourcing.  Plenty of money to pay for the best.  Fame, influence, kudos, accolades, awards galore.  What are we to do with her regret?  Do we chalk it up to choice again, and congratulate ourselves that we made the right one (or worry or hope or fear or get angry…if we’re not sure).

56 years of career.
5 years of early childhood.
That’s 9% of Barbara’s career, but 100% of the critical period when so much was set in motion for Jackie’s emotional wellbeing, her parents’ identity as parents (not just moms), and their lifelong relationship.  Parents open the bank of empathy for their children in early childhood, a bank which sets them up to deposit or withdraw from others personally and professionally for the rest of their lives.

We have research out the wazoo on what children need in this critical period of 0-5 years, and so much of it comes down to something that we’ve known all along:  love, given by the people so blessed to parent a child in this world.  The inconvenient truth is that love takes time.  How much time?  Well, my toddler daughter told me (while on my knees in my closet a decade ago), “I’m okay if you’re gone a day a week; I’m not okay if you’re gone more.”  Whaaaa?!!!!!  That would surely have ended Barbara’s career.

But did it end mine?  No.  So many of us - men and women alike- have the technology we need now to work around giving children what they need in early childhood, as well as making breakfast, packing lunch, meeting young kids getting off a bus, having family dinner, or being around in case teenagers decide to talk.  Entrepreneurship was my out.  Intrapraneurship can be too, if organizations realize the value of taking it.

I’m much luckier than Barbara Walters.  I’m also luckier than Barbara Acho, who faced a choice with a baby Jackie in 1968.  She stayed home.  Were my brother and I all she needed to feel fulfilled?  No.  My mother went back to school when I was 13 and has had a flourishing career as a therapist ever since.  My mom is not a perfect mother or professional; there is no such thing.  But she was brave.  Brave enough to chart a path that was unexpected, to do her best to give her children what they needed and channel her God-given talents into trying to make the world a better place.  Don’t get me wrong.  She was scared - of failing her kids, her potential, or both.  But that is exactly why she had to be brave.

Sophie’s choice is a false dichotomy which values neither children nor women (not to mention leaving fathers out of the picture completely!).  We can be braver than that.

That is what Barbara taught me.

Happy Birthday Mom.  Love you, Jackie

Family

…what does it mean?
By Shirley Moulton - Founder, The ACADEMi of Life, NYC


As the holidays approach, the conversations begin regarding the dread and duty people feel about spending time with their family. It seems as if we have been conditioned or socialized to believe that we must love and get along with our families. Life has taught me that love cannot be legislated, coerced or demanded, it has to be authentically given…even to our family.

What is this thing called family anyway? We are born and we get to meet these people called our parents; Mom & Dad…we become sons and daughters. We also get to meet the extended family, grandma and grandpa, sisters, brothers and cousins. Then later we meet the nieces and nephews and grand nieces and grand nephews. The western culture dictionary definition of family (from Latin: familiare) is a group of people affiliated by consanguinity (same blood), affinity, or co-residence.

Throughout the years we discover that we have varying levels of affection for these people to whom we are connected by blood. Some we love, some we like and some we don’t care for at all. I have had friends who have confessed that they feel as if they were strangers in their own families, yet they yearn for the ‘belonginess’ of a family. I have had mothers tell me how much they dislike their kids, and I have had brothers and sisters relate the difficulties they have getting along with their siblings.

Why is there is so much strife within a family? Families test us, they bring out the best and worst in us. As in other relationships, the family serves as a basic training ground to redress pass hurts and disappointments and if we can get pass that and only show love, then we become better people and the world becomes a better place. Families are really our spiritual practice…the milieu where we learn to become our best selves despite the challenges of ‘getting along’.

I know from personal experience that as much as my immediate family can be challenging and dysfunctional at times, there is nothing more memorable than spending quality time with them. The shared history, the loving moments, the birth of the new ones, the fights, the disappointments, the divorces, the marriages, the deaths, are all necessary and important experiences for us to learn and grow in love. I cannot imagine what life would be like without them.

The true essence of our creation is Love. Love is what rules the universe, so to be able to transcend and love the people closest to us who truly know our weaknesses and frailties, is the ultimate in unconditional love. As human we have a difficult time loving ourselves and other unconditionally. To date, I have found that a mother is generally the only person on earth, who comes closest to delivering unconditional love…the person who will continually and consistently be there to support and love her children, even the ‘most troubled'.

As we celebrate the holidays, let’s try hard to love, to see the good in all, be emphatic, be understanding and tolerant. Know that our negative actions and reactions are all coming from our wounded childhood traumas… so when Grandma says something that really makes you crazy…just pause, take a breath and smile! Happy Holidays!

9/11 Remembered: Conversation with a Kid

Today I picked up my 8 yr old great-nephew from his school which is close to Ground Zero, to take him to soccer practice. Since it rained all day in New York City, soccer practice was cancelled. We made our way to my apartment and our conversation was a bit about his day at school and a lot about 9/11. He wanted to watch “something” about 9/11 on TV, so we surfed the channels and found great programming on the history channel. I realized that he was only eight months when 9/11 happened and did not fully understand the details.

For the first time he realized the planes were regular passenger planes with ordinary people like him, he thought they were kamikaze pilots flying those planes (he had recently done a project on World War 11). He then wondered why people would intentionally fly planes into the W.T.C buildings. My response was measured but honest. He got a bit sad, looked me directly in the eyes and asked; did any children die?

I quickly responded no, but there was a little voice in my head questioning the response. At that moment, at that time, the pain on his face did not allow me to share my doubt about the answer. Later that evening my research confirmed that in fact seven children had lost their lives traveling on those planes on that day. Someday I will tell him the truth about those children, but not today.